Some great dirty jokes!

[G G]

[CBI_2]

Funny Stuff. Love them.

[WildBlueSooner]

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."

[WildBlueSooner]

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded, "It's my wash cloth."

Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it."

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.

A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."

The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."

[WildBlueSooner]

A man walks into a tattoo parlor and says he would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick. Well the tattoo artist laughs and says "I'll do it for free if you can give me one good reason for it."

The guy thinks for a second and says. "Well one, I like to keep my money in my pants, two I like to watch my money grow, and three I want to see how fast my wife can blow a $100.

[WildBlueSooner]

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong" asks the mother. "I was taking pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

[WildBlueSooner]

a little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

[DPD6030]

[WildBlueSooner]

Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. “MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND…”

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…”

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, “then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”

[WildBlueSooner]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
Two Prostitutes - $50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter --$50

[WildBlueSooner]

I have not forgotton about this thread

A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they're both doctors. After an hour, the man says, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached." The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex. Afterward, the man says, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yes," says the woman, "how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started," he says. "That makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anaesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" asks the man. The woman replies, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

[WildBlueSooner]

young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."

"What?" his father replied.

"When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming.' If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!"
Reply With Quote

A reporter went to an Indian reservation to study the ways of the native American, and upon arrival noticed that most of the men had feathers in their hair. This piqued her interest and she had to find out the significance. So, she walked up to a man with a single feather in his hair and asked:
"why do you have that feather in your hair?"
"me one feather, me one squaw."
"ok, but what about that man over there with three feathers?"
"me not know, go ask him."

So, the reporter made her way to the next man with three feathers in his hair and asked
"why do you have three feathers?"
"me three feather, me three squaw."
"I see, but what about that man with the feathers all over his head?"
"me not know, go ask him"

The reporter ran to the man with many feathers as quickly as she could because she just had to find out why he had so many feathers and asked
"why do you have so many feathers?"
"big, small me f**k em all"
"oh, how hostile!"
"hoss style, doggie style, any style"
"oh dear!"
"no deer. Butt too high run too fast."

[WildBlueSooner]

Now that is funny Joe! I love it.

[hotreds]

A white horse fell into a muddy river.

[WildBlueSooner]

Originally Posted by hotreds

A white horse fell into a muddy river.

^^^Agreed

[hotreds]

The Black Bra

The other day I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. one is engaged, one is a mistress, & of course I've been married for 20+years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels & a mask just over our eyes.

We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here is how it went:

My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over & found me wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos & a mask. He saw me & said, "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you." We made love all night long.

The mistress:
The other night I met my lover at his office & I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes & a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to tell my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos, & a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door & saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Batman?"

Honey, Not Tonight

I have never understood why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear…"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep…

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a good lunch and then went shopping at a very big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said "Let's get a pair for each outfit".

We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she then asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"

I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.