Promise Ring, did you buy your daughter one?

[rizzle]

Originally Posted by tenbaseg

My daughter is 8 months old. I can't handle even thinking about this.

My TWO are 4 months. And

[weasel]

I belive some recent research sugested that those who had pledged abstinence (and got the ring etc), actually became sexually active earlier than those who didn't.

I can't find a link for it at this time - so it could be

Originally Posted by weasel

I belive some recent research sugested that those who had pledged abstinence (and got the ring etc), actually became sexually active earlier than those who didn't.

I can't find a link for it at this time - so it could be

There are probably examples either way.

My wife and I felt it was important to remain sexually pure before marriage, so we put the boundaries at not even kissing before marriage. That is a bit extreme, and it was very difficult, but we can honestly tell our children that it can be done.

Either way, I think a promise ring and talk is just "smoke" to the teens if they don't share your convictions.

It would be like me telling all of you that you should remain "sexually pure" until marriage. Doesn't mean a damn if you don't believe what I do even though I have the experience to say it can be done and feel strongly about it.

[Blueface]

Originally Posted by morefifemusic

Doesn't mean a damn if you don't believe what I do even though I have the experience to say it can be done and feel strongly about it.

Interesting.
Congrats to you for sticking with your convictions.

While it can be done, as with anything, like say go to Harvard and graduate number one in your class, as difficult as the latter is, I find your the task you achieved that much more difficult. I further find that to expect many to uphold that similar set of values in today's world is unrealistic. Certainly shoot for the stars but realize a pea shooter may not get you there. Realize that while that was important to you, the fond memories of sitting under a tree with my wife when we were initially falling in love and making out is something very natural you chose to miss out on but the majority really won't.

It is amazing how one event can change your life, your opinions and how you perceive things from there on in. When I learned of my daughter's situation, I was floored and the wife and I were depressed for months.
Now? I realize what a blessing my grandson has turned out to be. He is my life and that of my wife.

I now realize that my values are just that, my values.
My children have their own minds and have their own sets of values, hopefully more in line with mine, but absolutely 100% theirs. I learned I should not judge them but rather accept them for what they are, individuals with their own sets of values. I learned to love them and support them regardless of not doing what I thought was right and wrong, especially someone older than 18, who can be asked to fight for the freedom of this great land.
She is a wonderful mother and acting and looking more like her mother every day.

I have a colleague who just learned her 15 yr old is having sex. This person is a good, conservative person with deep rooted values. Happens to all of us. It is not cancer, it is not a life threatening condition. It is sex. Something we all enjoy.

So folks, my message to you all on this is be realistic. Convey your thoughts, morals, values, etc. However, expect them to act according to what they want to do and realize that perhaps this whole not having sex thing is a lie for the most part. This is coming to you from a guy that was totally fooled in believing his daughter was not having sex. I was not born yesterday and am no dummy. If it happened to me, it is happening to you.
Also remember, as defined by our former President Bill, their interpretation of sex may not be the same as yours.

Originally Posted by Blueface

Also remember, as defined by our former President Bill, their interpretation of sex may not be the same as yours.

Too true. I teach middle school and have learned that many teens who insist they are "abstinent" do not consider oral sex to be contradictory to that.

I agree that not even kissing before marriage is waaaay extreme. I have many friends who are not married and engage in that and more. The not kissing for us was not based on a moral aversion to kissing. Lacking self-discipline myself, it was where we decided we needed to draw the line to achieve our real goal of no sex before marriage.


I find it interesting that the topic of religion has not been brought up in this interesting discussion.

It really matters WHY you think abstinence is important and do your children also ascribe to that belief.

For instance, I believe it is taught in the bible and right for living a christian life (you may disagree or not). If my children are ascribing to christian values and desire to live a godly life as I believe it to be defined in the bible, then their view of sex before marriage doesn't matter; I should be encouraging them to remain abstinent as a function of their belief.

To me, this goes beyond the "sex before marriage is bad" idea. If my teens do not believe as I do, then there is no motivation for them to remain abstinent. This argument particularly applies to things such as sex and drugs, both of which have a lot of pleasure associated with them and which are automatically reinforcing behaviors.

Bottom line, if you don't believe what I believe, there is no reason or need for us to agree (though we may agree). Same is true for our children.